Deep Freeze

How often do we allow ourselves to go into deep freeze? A hibernation of sorts to re-group, re-gather and charge up?

Certainly NOT Me. I’m a “doer” and I’ve fallen into the trap of glorifying it.

At times I feel like some sort of worn out super hero, going from one thing to the next. Pushing through, carrying on, go, go, go… Even if I get clear signs that I should be doing otherwise.

Wearing my rugged cape, I drag myself to do just one more thing, and maybe another if I can fit it in, until there’s no energy left for anything else.

Part of me loves the buzz of it, as if it’s the only way to feel wholesome and accomplished. Sure, I get a lot done, I’ve accomplished some awesome things in my lifetime and I love that side of it.

But I live with this feeling of constantly pushing against something. Of going against the flow of life and the bigger plan the universe has for me.

Part of me wonders… If I just went with the flow and stopped when I get the feeling I should, what would life look like? If I somehow got out of the way and allowed life to take me by the hand without having to force anything?

Would I tend to what makes me happy more diligently? Would life present different opportunities? Would it be ok to take a break without feeling that I’m running out of time to accomplish everything I want to accomplish in my lifetime? Would I make different choices? Would different people show up?

As I write this, I’m getting the chance to test this out; life has thrown me into a deep freeze with the arrival of our new baby.

Like in other crucial times in life, I’ve been forced to put the cape down and embrace the transformation that comes with new life.

This forced break (and others I’ve experienced before) leaves me no other option other than going with the flow, almost as if self-preservation is the only thing that truly matters.

This is a time to reflect, to rest up, to let go of all inside and outside pressures. And this is tricky. The body and heart say “relax, take that nap, things can wait.” The mind says “what about all the things you’re putting on hold?”

At first, you lose your sense of self and your bearings. If you’re not this “doer”, then what’s your worth? And are you compromising anything by not running a mile an hour? Are you losing momentum? Are you losing relevance? Can other things truly wait?

These questions (and a thousand others) have been assaulting my mind almost constantly and they send me into occasional freak-outs.

There’s only one way to deal with them; to dive further into my deep freeze and wait for the lessons.

And this time I’m being taught to surrender, several times a day. And so I do. Over and over again.

Not without a lot of resistance, a lot of overthinking and proper tears, of course.

Here’s what I’m noticing. I spend so much of my day thinking about how I’d like it to go (and worrying about it when it doesn’t) that I barely experience the juiciness of different moments.

And the result is that I miss out on the richness life is serving me, in all its chaos and (im)perfection.

Until I reluctantly surrender to another moment and welcome everything it has to offer. Good and bad.

It’s in navigating the highs and lows, one at a time, that I get my new bearings as life takes a new shape.

These are the biggest teachings of the deep freezes of life. Surrender to what life presents, the way it’s showing up. Seize the opportunities as they arise. Enjoy things for what they are. Observe, participate, but only when life invites you to. There’s nothing to push against.

It’s time to let go of control. Because when I do, beauty flows. And life becomes easier.