Permission has been this year’s strongest theme for me.
I started looking into its different facets and how they play out in my life. The discoveries have been nothing short of amazing.
Permission, self-permission that is, or lack thereof, is at the root of many projects sitting in my invisible, but carefully compartmentalised, overanalysed creative drawers. Of countless, unnecessary hours of obsessive housework. Of dreams postponed. Messages unanswered. Steps not taken.
The biggest cost? Clarity. The clarity to know what I want to do, of who I want to be, and how I want to contribute to this world.
I thought my attachment to perfection was to blame for a long time. And it was to a point. But it was just a layer covering what’s really going on.
I started checking in with myself and going over why I say no to my own desires so many times.
How many times have I thought: “I really feel like doing x right now” (replace x with write, sew, dance and other activities of creative nature). Invariably, at the root of every no to these moments are the shoulds of life. At least on the surface. After all, I’m a mother, I have a career, I have a home to look after, a body to exercise and so many other things that seem to have more urgent priority.
But as I started looking at it more carefully, these nos are tangled up in a web of baggage that I’ve been dragging around for a long time. Most of it unconscious and unquestioned. Some of it centuries long, and part of my condition of being a woman.
I discovered a layer of subservience to others’ happiness before mine, a sense of obligation to the entire world it seems (except to myself), that’s paired up with the question “who am I to deserve to do this?” Topped with a paralising fear of not being worthy of that creative time, because I may not be good at it, so why waste it? Better stay safe with what I know best.
I’ve lived in my masculine side for a long time. The corporate mask that has me think in provider terms and puts the heart aside for key decisions around prosperity and career, and by starting to examine permission, I’ve found some gradual freedom to listen to my heart and intuition more often.
Somehow I had it that saying yes to these little things meant I’d fail at everything else, or that I’m selfish, or that others would like me less for it, or see me as weak. But what I discovered is that permission, practiced one little step at a time, is the key to my personal fulfilment and, not surprisingly, my connection to others.
On a deeper level, I discovered that self-permission is the only way to self-love and self-acceptance. By saying yes to myself, I’m going with the flow of life, instead of pushing against it. More importantly, I’m honouring myself as the goddess I am and tapping into the creative power you and I were born with.
And with this, I’m breaking the cycle for the next generation of Goddesses around me, including my beautiful daughters, and show them that nothing is more important than honouring oneself and one’s creativity. For me, this is the beauty and spice of life right here.
The journey of self-permission is by no means over. The more I look into it, the more layers need to be peeled, the more needs to be questioned, so that I connect with my real essence and beautiful power.
So I keep asking. Why am I saying no to myself? Wait for the answer and explore, to conquer one moment of pleasure and creativity at a time.