2020 is setting a somewhat different tone for my life and this seems true for society as a whole.
I feel like we’re being called to drop our armour and stop pretending that we have it all together, so we can start healing our deepest wounds.
We’ve been raised on a diet of perfection and overnight successes, as if somehow there were two categories of human beings; the winners and the losers. And I often feel I was born into the latter category…
Obviously I know that it’s the tricky work of the ego running the show, when I fall prey to these thoughts, but it amazes me that we’ve created a society that sends more and more of us into the dark pits of comparison with the nefarious help of social media.
Our identity is always looking to run the show. Making us sell our souls for stuff that doesn’t matter, seeking shortcuts, self-sabotaging, making us swallow the bullsh*t we’re fed on a daily basis.
All of it summed up, looks like this. Deep in my core I feel I’m not good enough, so I will do whatever it takes to soothe that feeling.
If you’ve been into personal development long enough you’ll see a growing trend of people who’ll use fake vulnerability coated with a layer of pretence that they have it all together, to get us to buy their product, do their course, pay for their sessions, whatever it is, so we can get to the holly grail of finally having everything figured out.
Here’s the truth though. There is no such place and it’s about time we stop pretending there is…
Whenever we shed a layer of past, identity, conditioning, trauma, another one comes to the surface to be shed. This is part of the beautiful journey of remembering who we are and it only stops when we go to our grave.
Of course I love a powerful book or course and I’ve done A LOT of work to bring awareness to my wounds and bring me back to the truth.
However, no matter how enlightened we are, we all have one thing in common; a visceral fear that we’re not good enough.
And we’ve put on a lot of masks throughout life to try and overcome/cope with this belief.
Without knowing, I’d have spent my entire life in reaction mode. I’d wake up, day in, day out, in a state of overcompensation, striving, pretending, having to. As if who I am is not ok so I must try at all costs to be something else.
I still do a lot of that, but now I can spot it very quickly and make a different choice. On the days I don’t catch it as quickly, I feel the foul taste of disapproval in my mouth and completely thrown off course.
I’ve had enough. I’m exhausted from all of it. Trying to have it all together and making up for not feeling enough drains my energy and feeds it to maintaining toxic patterns alive.
Some of the masks I’ve worn through life include my enslavement to perfection, control, procrastination, competence, overachieving, showing strength at all costs and pursuing external signs of success. The worst of it; trying to fix myself constantly.
What are yours? If you notice, what’s behind them is the same belief. And I reckon it’s time we let go of it.
Since I started facing the pain head on and questioning this debilitating belief I’m relaxing more and more into my true nature. One of the upsides was getting reacquainted with my creativity, my love for simple things and a natural courage for experimenting with life.
For anyone who dares, there’s incredible beauty and relief awaiting on the other side.
You and I only ever have two choices: to work through our pain and discover what’s on the other side, or continue to offload that pain on ourselves and others and live a slow, tragic death of the soul. And I can’t think of anything worse.
I’ll leave you with this simple practice that’s taken me to a new level of melting into my true essence and the beautiful flow-on effect from it.
Every week I grab my vision journal and write down these simple words:
I love and approve of myself. I love and approve of myself.
And I repeat them as many times as I’m called for. It’s a sort of meditation practice and, every time I do it, I see a new judgment to release or I get inspiration to do something that lights me up.
Writing these simple words on a piece of paper has helped tame my harsh inner critic. Whenever I feel disempowered, I turn to paper and magic unfold.
This simple, effective practice was handed down to me through my dear friend Maria (and her friend Arapera) and it’s made a lasting difference to getting me to the truth when I’m dealing with my humanity.
All the approval (and disapproval) we experience lives inside us. Nobody else can give it or take it. The work we must do to experience life on earth in all its beauty is to keep returning to the truth of who we are.
With love and appreciation,
2 thoughts on “The bullsh*t of having it all together”
Great post! I hope you are finding happiness and joy. ~WB
Thanks, WB! Joy really is the key. The more I prioritise it, the better it gets. Sending you love, SE